I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
