So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
