I can't watch pbs sober anymore
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
