I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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