I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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