shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
