And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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