Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
