So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize