Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
