Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize