Swine flu. Run for my life!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
