I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
