after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
