Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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