well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
NoShamevember. You game?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
