She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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