anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
