If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
