I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
