If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
