you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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