Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
