theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
