At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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