I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
