Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
