My first STD was from a foam party
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
