I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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