You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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