Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
