I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Two words: blizzard sex
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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