Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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