you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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