I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
