I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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