Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
