drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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