how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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