i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Alive.
So much puke
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
