Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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