Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
