Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
