So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
