i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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