One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
