Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
