I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize