my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
