Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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