i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
do nipples grow back?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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