my vag is so smooth its legendary
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
