I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
