I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
