I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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