when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
