My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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