i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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